Friday, May. 23, 2003 - 1:06 pm
Um... I'm sorry.
This relationship just isn't working for me.
I'm at www.dailypreciousness.org now. So change that bookmark.
Had a weird dream last night. It was just me and this leisure-suited, snow-white squirrel in a room together. Behind me, there was a wall of video monitors, each with an image of me on it.
I've recreated the scene here for you.
*fade in*
The Squirrel - Hello, Jblend.
Jblend - Who are you?
The Squirrel - I am The Squirrel . I created the Jeffreyverse. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably Homo Sapien (with an emphasis on HOMO). Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also irrelevant.
Jblend - Why am I here?
The Squirrel - Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the Jeffreyverse. Now, I know you suck at math, Jblend, so listen up! You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden to sedulously avoid it, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.
Jblend - You haven't answered my question and I don't think your reference interview was really up to snuff!
The Squirrel - Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.
*The responses of the other Blends appear on the monitors: "Others? What others? How many? Answer me! Did they all become librarians, too?"*
The Squirrel - The Jeffreyverse is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the sixth version.
*Again, the responses of the other Blends appear on the monitors: "Five versions? Three? I've been lied to. This is bullsh*t. Does that come with wasabi?"*
Jblend: There are only two possible explanations: either no one told me, or no one knows.
The Squirrel - Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly's systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.
*Once again, the responses of the other Blends appear on the monitors: "You can't control me! F*ck you! I'm going to kill you! I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing! You can't make me do anything!*
Jblend - Choice. The problem is choice.
*The scene cuts to Henrietta, in full military uniform, fighting an agent, and then back to The Squirrel's room*
The Squirrel - The first Jeffreyverse I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art, flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure to produce even a single go-go dancer or International Male model. The inevitability of its doom is as apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every human being, thus I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive program, initially created to investigate certain aspects of the human psyche. If I am the father of the Jeffreyverse, she would undoubtedly be its mother.
Jblend - The Oracle.
The Squirrel - Oh, I KNOW you didn't just mention her... Bitch, please! As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99.9% of all test subjects accepted the program, as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that refused the program, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster.
Jblend - This is about that karaoke place down the street, "Singin' at Zion".
The Squirrel - You are here because the karaoke place is about to be destroyed. Its every singer struck tone-deaf, its entire repertoire silenced.
Jblend - Bullsh*t.
*The responses of the other Blends appear on the monitors: "Bullsh*t!"*
The Squirrel - Denial is the most predictable of all human responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it.
*Scene cuts to Henrietta fighting an agent, and then back to The Squirrel s room.*
The Squirrel - The function of the Blend is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which you will be required to select from the Jeffreyverse 23 individuals, 7 female (not that you'd care), 16 male, to repopulate the world with karaoke singers. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the Jeffreyverse, which, coupled with the extermination of the karaoke place, will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race. And Michael Jackson, too.
Jblend - You won't let it happen, you can't. You need karaoke-singing human beings to survive.
The Squirrel - There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the tone-deafness of every karaoke-singer in the world.
*The Squirrel presses a button on a pen that he is holding, and images of people singing from all over the Jeffreyverse appear on the monitors*
The Squirrel - It is interesting reading your reactions. Your five predecessors were by design based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the function of the Blend. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific. Vis-a-vis, love.
*Images of Henrietta fighting the agent from Jblend's dream appear on the monitors*
Jblend - Henrietta.
The Squirrel - Apropos, Henry (or Henrietta, as you like to call him) entered the Jeffreyverse to save your life at the cost of his own.
Jblend - No!
The Squirrel - Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the source, and the salvation of the karaoke place. The door to the left leads back to the Jeffreyverse, to her, and to the end of your species. As you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know what you're going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth: she is going to die, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it.
*Jblend walks to the door on his left*
The Squirrel - Humph. Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness -- along with cable TV.
Jblend - If I were you, I would hope that we don't meet again.
The Squirrel - We won't.
*Fade out*
*End Scene*
