Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 10:54 am
Um... I'm sorry.
This relationship just isn't working for me.
I'm at www.dailypreciousness.org now. So change that bookmark.
Finally, I have intercepted the emotion I've been feeling. Hmmm.
Intercepted: the word brings to mind an episode of COPS, where my emotional well being police have tracked down the suspect,
white male,
late 30s,
brown hair/eyes,
5'11"
And they chase him and jump him and nightstick him until he's out.
The suspect is charged with taking a hand drill and boring into the victim's brain.
Bad boys, bad boys... what you gonna do?
It's taken a few weeks of mulling it over, but I've narrowed it down to this. A hand drill, a boring incident, a sad look. And I'm left all
hollow.
That's what I have been feeling since I came back from my visit with Henry. Like I did after the car wreck. Like I did after 9/11.
hollow.
There's a thinness in my blood and a strange lack of feeling in my inner ear, as though my mind were numb.
If I had to assign a name to this feeling, I'd say sawdust yellow. Now, my friends would insist that my emotional palette is more exciting than that. But that's what I've been feeling and seeing and experiencing lately. Just the sawdust yellow feeling of being
hollow.
There's no resonant frequency. There is no warm simpatico. All violin pizzicato have been silenced. Like they're all plucked out. Just shut down and shut out. And just kind of
hollow.
But I can't minimize that color/feeling.
Like a new friend, Brett, mentioned to me the other day, I have to respect what I feel.
Granted, his point was mired in a compost heap of complaint. But it was worth remembering.
Brett ranted, "And how many times does Sam I Am have to say he doesn't want green eggs and ham? Sam I am's opinion is valid and should be understood."
